


Never Enough

by purgatoan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Crying, Crying Dean, Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:06:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9885812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purgatoan/pseuds/purgatoan
Summary: As Dean’s driving to the Stull Cemetery, he’s thinking about what’s between him and Sam now and how it used to be earlier. Then, he has no choice but to try saving his little brother that he loves more than anything.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Written for my friend, hideyourdemoneyes on here, whose Birthday’s tomorrow! Happy B-day, Dee, love ya! And I feel like a bad friend for throwing angst at you (whoops), but I love this song so much and “fixing” Swan Song seemed like a good idea. Hope you’re gonna like it!
> 
> A/N: Second time writing Wincest, hope you’re going to like it guys! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Lyrics from the song Ocean Drive by Duke Dumont!

_We're riding down the boulevard  
We're riding through the dark night, night._

Getting back his trust was difficult if not impossible. I screwed up, big time. And I wasn’t sure if he would ever forgive me, because I didn’t know if I would ever forgive myself for what I had done. That’s how bad it was.

_With half the tank and empty heart  
Pretending we're in love, but it's never enough_

It seemed like we were dancing on the edge of a knife, neither of us certain what he should say or do. I didn’t want to say anything stupid -he kept restraining himself as well -not wanting to blame me or himself for anything, and I understood that. I wasn’t sure if the fact that I showed up there was enough, maybe it wasn’t?

_As the sirens filled the lonely air_  
_Oh, how did we get here now now now babe_

I wished I was able to go back in time and change it, change all of it. He didn’t deserve being treated this way. I shouldn’t have treated him like he was still a damn kid. I shouldn’t have pretended I had known better. I should’ve done it differently.

But I hadn’t done that and I would have to pay for it.

_We see a storm is closing in,  
Pretending we ain't scared._

But shouldn’t he have at least tried to contact me after listening to the voicemail I had left for him? I had promised we would find a way after all. I had begged him to get back to me. I had begged him to go back and let me help, let me fix it all. We always found a way to work together, to fix the world and ourselves. There was power in us when we were right by the other one’s side.

So why hadn’t he done that?

_Don't say a word while we dance with the devil  
You brought a fire to a world so cold_

Hadn’t he trusted me? I trusted him with my life and I meant it. But it had been partly my fault as well, I couldn’t say it was all on him. It was on both of us.

_We're out of time on the highway to never  
Hold on (hold on), hold on (hold on)_

Why had I locked him up when he had been suffering so badly? I had been so blinded with the urge to protect him no matter what that I hadn’t realized how badly I had hurt him until it was too late. And he turned his back from me, but I had nothing else to blame it on, only myself. I had been selfish, wanting to jump in and save the day, keeping Sammy from everything, but it didn’t work. It didn’t work at all. It had done nothing but backfire, ruining every chance I had to continue what was between us.

_Don't say a word while we dance with the devil  
You brought a fire to a world so cold_

I could handle not being loved by him anymore, but I would never survive not being his brother. But it wasn’t his fault, I was surprised he hadn’t smited me when I entered the room in which he and that demon bitch were. But how had I let this happen?

_We're out of time on the highway to never  
Hold on (hold on), hold on (hold on)_

Wasn’t I supposed to protect the person I loved? Why had I destroyed and broken him instead? There was no worse way to show your love than by dismissing all the feelings the other person had been showing and waving off all their concerns and questions and requests. Why had I been so damn stupid?

_We're running all the red lights down  
No way that we can stop, no no_

Good thing that I had learned to understand that after all. Great that I had came to terms with that and had respected his choice, despite the fact that everything inside me had been screaming not to agree to that. But my concerns didn’t matter anymore. I’d surely lose him if I hadn’t done that, so I had agreed.

_A quarter tank and almost gone,  
Pretending we're in love, but it's never enough_

He was the most important person in my life and I trusted him to kick the devil out of his body, except that it didn’t work. Why had I let him done that? I should’ve done something differently, I should’ve protected him. It was a last shot, my last chance to do something, anything, and I would be damned if I were to say I wasn’t going to take that risk.

_I wish we could take it back in time,  
Before we crossed the line, no now, baby_

I had to find out where Lucifer took him, but it wasn’t easy. I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, I had no idea where to look for the informations or who to ask, it was a hopeless cause. Except that I wasn’t the only one that would do everything to prevent the apocalypse from happening.

_We see a storm is closing in,  
I reach out for your hand._

Thank Chuck, right? I hoped I’d have the chance to do something, but if not, dying didn’t sound all that bad if Sammy wasn’t going to make it either. I was going to try to get him back to me, I couldn’t lose the love of my life. It would be the end of all things, and no matter how shitty my life had been so far I wasn’t exactly eager to let it slip away. Not like that, anyway.

_Don't say a word while we dance with the devil  
You brought a fire to a world so cold_

Was I scared? Yeah. Was I terrified? Definitely. Did I want to run and avoid this altogether? You bet. But I couldn’t do it. Facing Lucifer wearing my baby brother’s body was worse than I thought it would be, but I would never leave him. No matter how it would end for me, I wouldn’t leave him. I didn’t move, even when he killed Cas and Bobby, making me clench my teeth as I fought not to cry. It hurt like a bitch, but I couldn’t save them anyway, so there was no point in running.

_We're out of time on the highway to never  
Hold on (hold on), hold on (hold on)_

I desperately hoped he was in there, somewhere under the surface, and that he would be able to hear what I was saying. I love you, it’s not your fault, I’m here, it’s okay. I kept repeating it over and over again, like a mantra or a spell that was meant to get him back. Never, not even once in my life, had I believed in something so hard like in those few words.

_Don't say a word while we dance with the devil  
You brought a fire to a world so cold_

I knew that if he were to regain control he would do the right thing anyway, but I wanted at least hear his voice before all of it went to hell, quite literally. I needed to hear his voice, I needed to know that he knew I loved him and how much he meant to me. And I would rather die than leave his side.

_We're out of time on the highway to never  
Hold on (hold on), hold on (hold on)_

So I kept holding on, letting Lucifer use me as a punch bag as I continued talking to Sam, feeling the cold metal of Baby underneath my skin as he kept hitting me. It hurt everywhere, but it was nothing compared to how my heart was breaking for Sammy. He didn’t deserve this. I should’ve been there instead of him.  
  
_Oh oh, hold on!_

I thought it was over, and that I wouldn’t be able to get him back, but, suddenly, the beating stopped. With one eye, I saw the change on Lucifer’s face and I breathed out a sigh of relief. He got him, my baby brother got him. Son of a bitch, he had been right since the beginning.  
  
_Don't say a word while we dance with the devil  
You brought a fire to a world so cold_

The next thing I knew Sam’s hands were on my neck, his lips on mine, like he wanted to take the memory of me with him to the Cage. Like he wanted to have my taste and me under his skin, his touch gentle but forceful, and I kept kissing him, even if it hurt, in both ways. Sammy was desperate, and eager, and I let him take what he wanted. I showed him exactly how much he meant to me, I hoped it was enough. Life consisted of nothing but pain, after all, and I would be the happiest person in the world, knowing that he loved me still, even if I didn’t know what was going to happen next.

_We're out of time on the highway to never  
Hold on (hold on), hold on (hold on)_

He pulled away eventually and I let out a loud whine, I didn’t want him to leave me. I knew he had to, he was a hero, but that didn’t mean I accepted it. I realized that I’ve been crying only when I tasted salt on my lips, tears blurring my quite pitiful vision.

_Don't say a word while we dance with the devil  
You brought a fire to a world so cold_

And, as Sammy jumped into the pit, dragging Michael and our other brother with him, I felt my heart shatter into million pieces. It felt like someone crushed my spine and I couldn’t stand anymore, feeling the pain in my knees as they hit the ground underneath me with the whole weight of my body.

_We're out of time on the highway to never  
Hold on (hold on), hold on (hold on)_

Who would’ve thought that the love would be the very thing to destroy me?


End file.
